As Muslims, we’re used to hearing words such as joy, contentment, peace, excitement, and gratitude paired with the month of Ramadan. While many people count down to this blessed month, awaiting with eagerness to spend time with family, share food, pray in the late hours of the night, and visit loved ones. The goal is to renew our connectedness to spirituality and ourselves. Others experience ambivalence for feeling unprepared, anxiety about fasting the long hours, dealing with demanding sleep schedules, and working during the day. It is common for some to be consumed by thoughts such as:

“What if I’m not good enough.”

“Will I be able to work and prepare meals for the family?”

“Will I be able to pray in the night?”

“What if my worship is not accepted?”

“So and so does so much, I can’t even keep up with the basics.”

However common these concerns are, they are not usually discussed in the open and certainly not validated, as doing so may seem to reflect one’s faith. This is a common misconception- that someone who has anxiety over Ramadan is due to their weakness in faith. Let’s make it clear!

People who express fear or have anxiety towards the month of Ramadan do not dispute the holiness or its significance. But instead, the pressures of performing with excellence become daunting, abrupt change in routines increases stress and living up to the expectations of others is intimidating. In a world where social media reminders are rampant, we have access to the lives of many who seem to show “effortless” decorating, meal prepping, prayer schedules, games for children, and faith-based classes. As a result, many fall prey to negative self-comparisons and ultimately feel overwhelmed and not good enough. Some individuals try to keep up with this collective experience; however, they drown in self-comparisons and feel low about their “lack of accomplishments .”Therefore, anxiety around Ramadan is not about a lack of faith or a problem with you as a person. It’s about the pressures we put on ourselves during this month. 

Someone struggling alone may fear rejection and judgment and may start to question themselves further. 

“How and why do I feel anxious about Ramadan”?

“Does this make me a bad Muslim”?

“Nobody else seems anxious, maybe something is wrong with me”?

With this comes a host of unwanted feelings such as increased anxiety, shame, and guilt. When we feel alone in something, we tend to blame ourselves. Knowing that other people may also be facing similar fears is a validating. Humans are social beings who crave healthy, positive connections rooted in validation and support.

It is essential to realize that even those that do not have a diagnosed mental health condition struggle with mood disruptions, difficulty concentrating, fatigue due to disruptions of a regular routine, inability to take medications on their regular schedule, dehydration, and sleep disturbances. These symptoms are exacerbated in many who struggle with a mental health condition, including those with anxiety and may increase the number or severity of symptoms. Consulting with a medical doctor or mental health professional is imperative to help decide whether one can fast or whether there needs to be an adjustment to their treatment plan. According to an article titled Mental Illness and Ramadan in Muslim Matters by Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim, “There is no shame or sin in not fasting due to medical prohibition.”

Tips provided by Cedarway female muslim therapists, Reena Vanza and Huma Saeedi.

• Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your feelings
• Normalize this experience, remembering you’re not alone
• Minimize unhelpful social media platforms
• Do something small instead of avoiding everything – anxiety is fueled by avoidance
• Remind yourself of the bigger purpose of Ramadan- to connect with God
• Remind yourself that God is merciful
• Plan your day using SMART goals – some structure during this time can be helpful
• Prioritize sleep and healthy food intake
• You are rewarded by intentions – so make intentions throughout your day even if you have trouble completing them
• Be kind to yourself- use non-judgmental words to calm that critical voice
• Surround yourself with supporters
• Ensure you have a self-care plan that is simple to follow

Take-home Messages

• Talk to a professional and or your doctor if your symptoms worsen
• Many people feel anxious during Ramadan- it’s not an indication of your faith
• Reach out to supporting family and friends
• Reach out to a supporting Imam that is aware of the anxiety- if you don’t know who, reach out to professionals who can guide you to Imams they have worked with. 

What can I say or do? How to support a loved one through their struggle

One of the most rewarding feelings is when someone you care about feels comfortable enough to trust you about their struggles. While our intentions are pure, there are times when we are unsure of how to support our loved ones, or maybe what we categorize as support does the opposite and pushes them away. It’s not that we don’t want to help them; it’s just that we don’t know the how’s of approaching them. This can result in saying the wrong thing, undermining their experience, dismissing their feelings, changing focus to yourself and or avoiding them. Here are a few tips that I have learnt from my personal experience as a volunteer support worker and a counselling psychology student.

Tip 1: Active Listening

Sometimes your friend will come to you with a problem they are facing, and they may seem worried or

Stressed. This does not necessarily mean that they aren’t searching for solutions, but they might just be seeking a safe space to let out their emotions. Instead of being focused on how to “fix” the issue, focus on hearing what they are saying. Being a shoulder to lean on may seem small, but it is one of the best things you can do for someone you love.

Tip 2: Let them disclose as little or as much as they want

When we are trying to be helpers, we want to know as much as we can about the situation. Sometimes this curiosity can turn into pressure. Have the person lead the conversation and follow their pace. It takes a lot of courage for one to be vulnerable. You might be the first person they are talking to about this situation. Be patient and allow them to open up to you depending on their comfort level.

You can ask,

What would you like from me right now?

Is there anything I can do to help you? We can do it together.

Tip 3: Create a distraction-free environment

Show your loved ones that you truly value their courage to open up to you by making sure you are giving them quality time in a zone without any distractions. This could be as simple as putting your phone away when talking or taking them to a quiet room. Having no distractions plays into active listening which was mentioned in Tip 1. This will allow you two to connect more and for the person to feel safe.

Tip 4: Don’t try to diagnose or assume anything

I’m sure we have all Googled our symptoms for physical symptoms we were experiencing. While the internet is full of valuable resources, it is not a medical professional. Google can be amazing to learn more about mental health, but it should not be used as a diagnostic criterion. Although it is generous for you to support your loved one, stray away from coming to any conclusions about their situation. If you ever fear for the safety of your loved one, you can always find numbers to certain hotlines that can connect you with professionals.

Tip 5: It’s okay to not know what to do

Offering support is not always easy and that’s okay. Helping someone is rewarding but that doesn’t mean you should neglect how you’re feeling. It is important that you take care of yourself. Remember to take time to process anything that’s been said to you. Even counsellors need to take time for themselves to make sure that they see better able to help others. If you ever feel overwhelmed, you can offer support by connecting them to a professional or helping them find another strong support group.

Tip 6: Don’t make it about you

It’s a common practice to shift the attention to your experience, instead of keeping the focus on your friend. We all have similar experiences and stories, but it’s important to realize that your loved one is asking you to hold their pain with them, not silence it and make it about you. While you may be trying to connect with them, it’s better to let them know that you understand and are with them through this time.

Take home message

It can be difficult seeing your loved ones struggle so giving them a sense of support goes a long way. This experience can be new for both individuals- the one sharing and the one offering support. There might be moments where you may feel like you’re not doing enough, but just remember that something as small as listening goes a long way. Be kind to yourself and remember even as a friend and a helper, you are not alone. Ultimately, its okay to ask for help and you should never be afraid to redirect help to a professional psychologist or psychotherapist if you need further assistance.

“In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself”. 

– Laurence Sterne

Many people assume that getting out of a slump requires you to be more social. In this hyperconnected society, this leads to people constantly looking for ways to cramp their schedule by meeting people, going to social events, and keeping up with social media outlets. However, after attempts to feel relaxed and improve mood, many find themselves feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and demotivated. There is no doubt that social connections are a necessary component for your mental and emotional wellbeing. In fact, we are social beings, created to connect and cultivate healthy relationships. Doing so gives us a sense of joy, belonging, confidence, and purpose. While the lack of these connections does the exact opposite, pushing us further into self-doubt, isolation and feeling low.

So, what is the correct answer to this dilemma, to socialize or not to socialize?

We propose finding the right dosage of social connecting that is healthy for your individual optimal wellbeing. It’s about knowing when to embrace solitude and when to come back to people.  If you are an extrovert and feel charged in the presence of people then this article can be a source or information to help out your more introverted friends and family. However, you may also like what you read and find that you also benefit from some solo time. Especially because you may encounter situations in life where people are not always present, and you’re forced to be solo. After all, the most important relationship you can ever have is the relationship you have with yourself.

Here are some benefits of why people embrace solitude:

• You get to ask yourself what do I need?
• You get to pick how you chose to recharge your energy
• You get to express yourself authentically
• You learn to like to be with yourself
• You learn self-compassion
• You learn to give yourself time
• You get to follow yourself, rather than a crowd
• You can become more self-aware by tending to your emotions
• You rely on yourself when no one is around

If you struggle to cultivate healthy solitude, then try following the 5 suggestions below, which I enjoy on a regular basis. Whatever activities you chose, ensure that you are enjoying them and slowly you will learn to look forward to your own company.

1. Go for a jog or walk: this is where you get to do things at your own pace. Think a problem out, or don’t think at all. You can brainstorm through something, or you can simply focus on the run. The choice is yours.
2. Find a local farmer’s market or a festival: take a leisurely walk, buy yourself fresh flowers, honey or anything you fancy. Be curious about things people are selling, or the various sounds of music, laughter, animals, or voices.
3. Experiment with a new recipe: find something that looks yummy to make and cook that for yourself. Paying attention to the fragrances, colours, textures and ultimately doing something special for yourself will bring you joy.
4. Go on a short road trip: whether you can drive an hour away or take the bus somewhere, find a place you can explore. I usually go downtown Toronto, where it’s busy. I get lost in the sounds, people, lights, things from different cultures
5. Do something creative: I recently signed up for a tube art class. At the end of 3 hours, I was very surprised to have created a beautiful piece of art. Whether you like to draw, paint, dance, play there are many options.

Remember, doing things solo does not require that you isolate yourself and disconnect from people and places. It simply means that you can be amongst people and yet enjoy being alone.  It means that when no one is around you can find joy in doing things for and with yourself. If you want to read more about other important ingredients to growth, just check out our blog page today!

Discover the perfect balance between socializing and self-care with Cedarway Therapy’s expert guidance. Our services provide you with the tools to navigate social situations confidently, empowering you to make the right choices for your well-being. Don’t ponder the question “To socialize or not to socialize?” alone – let Cedarway Therapy be your trusted partner in finding your unique path to fulfillment. if you’re looking for a professional Psychologist Oakville, just contact our team today! 

A relationship is bound to have conflicts, and conflict can be a normal and healthy part of a relationship if handled properly. The problem arises when we mishandle conflict which can lead to communication issues. John Gottman, an internationally recognized relationship expert and best-selling author, advice to identify The Four Horsemen (communication styles in relationships that according to his research can forecast the end of a relationship). The goal is to replace these negative communication styles with healthy, productive communication patterns.

Let’s take a closer look at each of these and how you can combat them.

Criticism

Criticism refers to verbally attacking your partner’s personality or characters. In doing so, you are suggesting to your partner that there is something wrong with them. When criticizing, you may often use the phrase “You always” or “You never”. For example, “You’re so lazy, you never put your shoes away” or “You always leave the dishes in the sink”. As a result, your partner may feel under attack and respond defensively. It’s perfectly okay to express your feelings to your partner, it is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. What matters is how you do it.

The next time you are frustrated and need to express your feelings to your partner, try making a direct complaint that is not an all-encompassing attack on your partner’s character. For example, instead of saying “Your socks are always on the floor, you never pick them up” you can try “Your socks are on the floor. Please try to put them in the laundry basket.” This addresses the specific behaviour rather than criticizing the person. Another antidote recommended is using “I” statements. This focuses the conversation on your feelings rather than attacking your partner’s character. For example, If you want more help around the house, you can try telling your partner “I feel unappreciated when you don’t help out with the housework” instead of “You never help, you just expect me to clean up after you.” We recommend softening your approach and beginning tactfully. Make sure you are clear and avoid passing judgement while communicating your feelings and concerns.

Contempt

The act of contempt implies putting yourself on a higher level than your partner in an effort to disrespect or psychologically abuse them by attacking their sense of self. This can be achieved by mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes, and using hostile humour and sarcasm. You may implement contempt by saying “You’re so annoying, are you going to cry now?”. Contempt is the most serious of all the horsemen. The negative method of communication can destroy the affection and admiration between partners.

Couples must work hard to establish a culture of appreciation in their relationship to fight contempt. This can be achieved by highlighting all of the qualities that you love and admire most about your partner. Make a list of these qualities in your phone, journal, or any place you can refer to when you need a reminder.

Defensiveness

When you use a counter complaint to defend yourself from an apparent attack, you are being defensive. It is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence or victimize yourself to avoid blame. In this situation, you might make excuses, complain, and use “yes’butting”. Defensiveness prevents partners from taking responsibility for their actions and escalates negative communication. If your partner is criticizing you, it is still not a good idea to be defensive because it will only exacerbate the situation.

Instead of reacting in a defensive manner, we recommend couples take the time to hear each other out and take responsibility for their negative behaviour. Also, a sincere apology is never a bad idea.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling takes place when you choose to tune out or withdraw from your partner rather than confront the issues. By remaining silent, giving monosyllabic answers or changing the subject, you can achieve this. A partner who stonewalls may physically walk away from the conversation or stop tracing it, appearing to stop caring and shutting down.

However, this is usually not the case. Usually, the individual is overwhelmed and attempting to calm themselves or the situation. However, your partner is very likely to assume that you don’t care enough about the problem to speak about it, and will find it very upsetting to be ignored. When you feel emotionally overwhelmed and need a break from the conflict discussion, let your partner know you need time to collect your thoughts and calm down so you can return to the discussion when you are both ready. This way, they will know you are not ignoring or rejecting them, but taking care of yourself.

With hard work, comes change!

 Do not feel guilty or ashamed if, while reading this, you realize that you have taken part in these negative communication styles. We have all been there before; you are not alone. The key is to learn from our mistakes and improve as we move forward. With this knowledge of the Four Horsemen and their antidotes, you now have the essential tools to manage conflict in a healthy manner. While it is not easy to break these patterns overnight, it is possible when both partners are motivated and committed to change. When couples put in the work, they get the results!

 We encourage you to consider couples therapy if you experience difficulty making these changes in your relationship. A therapist specializing in relationship conflicts may help with self-awareness and better communication. If you want to know more about how to communicate effectively in a relationship, just check out our blog page now!

Your relationship is more likely to be stable and happy if you are able to keep the Four Horsemen at bay.

Transform your relationship dynamics by exploring the fascinating world of communication styles with Cedarway Therapy. We offer couples counselling Oakville services and our experts will help you decode the nuances of effective communication, fostering deeper connections and understanding in your relationship. Take the first step toward a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership – embark on this journey of discovery with Cedarway Therapy today!

Do you ever put off doing something until the last minute and then find yourself in a state of panic because things pile up? Or maybe you start to become critical because you dropped the ball yet again? You’re not the only one who feels this way. You may be one of many people who struggle with Procrastination. You procrastinate when you delay or put off completing a task until the last minute, or past your deadline. It is very common and can affect all aspects of your life, including your work, school, and relationships. All which can result in a poor quality of life.

One common misconception about procrastinators is that they are unable to manage their time effectively. While this can be true, it’s not always the case and in fact, there are often more serious issues at hand. Individuals prone to chronic procrastination may benefit more from emotional regulation and stress management than time management skills training. That’s why before you pull out the self-criticism and self-doubt, it’s important to understand the why behind your procrastination. Doing so will help you understand yourself better, develop a plan to tackle the issue, create healthier habits and or seek professional support if you need to.

Why do we procrastinate?

From time to time, we all procrastinate. In a high-stress society, temporarily distracting oneself from stress and unpleasant tasks could even be a helpful coping mechanism. In other words, people engage in procrastination because it temporarily makes them feel good.

However, there is a downside that makes procrastination troublesome, it limits a person’s productivity and causes them to feel low about themselves. Some people procrastinate so much that they are unable to complete essential daily tasks. All of which can lead to poor life choices and eventually poor mental health outcomes.

Procrastination is not a mental health diagnosis in and of itself, although it can be a symptom of ADHD, depression, or anxiety. It can also add more stress to someone who already struggles with a mental health issue.

Other causes of procrastination included

• Task is not aligned with our values
• Feeling emotionally exhausted
• Perfectionism
• Fear of not performing well
• Experiencing decision fatigue (brain becomes fatigued and ability to make decisions becomes worse after making many decisions)
• The pressure to perform
• Setting unrealistic expectations

How to overcome procrastination?

 Is there hope? Yes, there are many things one can do to tackle procrastination and here are a few tips that you can start to implement by yourself of with the support of someone:

• Address what is causing the procrastination

• Ask someone to help you stay on track with important tasks. Regular check-in on the progress of tasks will help you stay motivated.

• Start with a small and easy step.

• Eliminate any distractions

• Reward yourself after completing small steps within the task

• Rephrase your internal dialogue

The five takeaways about procrastination are:

• Laziness is not the cause of procrastination.
• It is the result of our inability to manage negative feelings about the task.
• It is not a time-management issue but rather an emotional issue.
• It can be a result of low self-esteem, self-doubt, or anxiety.
• Forgive yourself for past procrastination and be gentler with the language and thoughts you use about yourself when it comes to completing the task.

Take home message: If you are one of many people who procrastinate before you criticize yourself and submit to a lifelong journey of blame and shame, try taking a more proactive approach. Use the above-mentioned tips to understand your why’s and create a plan of action, and or speak to someone that can help you. 

At Cedarway Therapy we specialize in providing psychologist oakville based services as well as psychotherapy services in Mississauga and all across the GTA. If you are interested in working with us or need to speak to a professional, feel free to contact us today!