What can I say or do? Supporting a loved one through their struggles.

What can I say or do? How to support a loved one through their struggle

One of the most rewarding feelings is when someone you care about feels comfortable enough to trust you about their struggles. While our intentions are pure, there are times when we are unsure of how to support our loved ones, or maybe what we categorize as support does the opposite and pushes them away. It’s not that we don’t want to help them; it’s just that we don’t know the how’s of approaching them. This can result in saying the wrong thing, undermining their experience, dismissing their feelings, changing focus to yourself and or avoiding them. Here are a few tips that I have learnt from my personal experience as a volunteer support worker and a counselling psychology student.

Tip 1: Active Listening

Sometimes your friend will come to you with a problem they are facing, and they may seem worried or

Stressed. This does not necessarily mean that they aren’t searching for solutions, but they might just be seeking a safe space to let out their emotions. Instead of being focused on how to “fix” the issue, focus on hearing what they are saying. Being a shoulder to lean on may seem small, but it is one of the best things you can do for someone you love.

Tip 2: Let them disclose as little or as much as they want

When we are trying to be helpers, we want to know as much as we can about the situation. Sometimes this curiosity can turn into pressure. Have the person lead the conversation and follow their pace. It takes a lot of courage for one to be vulnerable. You might be the first person they are talking to about this situation. Be patient and allow them to open up to you depending on their comfort level.

You can ask,

What would you like from me right now?

Is there anything I can do to help you? We can do it together.

Tip 3: Create a distraction-free environment

Show your loved ones that you truly value their courage to open up to you by making sure you are giving them quality time in a zone without any distractions. This could be as simple as putting your phone away when talking or taking them to a quiet room. Having no distractions plays into active listening which was mentioned in Tip 1. This will allow you two to connect more and for the person to feel safe.

Tip 4: Don’t try to diagnose or assume anything

I’m sure we have all Googled our symptoms for physical symptoms we were experiencing. While the internet is full of valuable resources, it is not a medical professional. Google can be amazing to learn more about mental health, but it should not be used as a diagnostic criterion. Although it is generous for you to support your loved one, stray away from coming to any conclusions about their situation. If you ever fear for the safety of your loved one, you can always find numbers to certain hotlines that can connect you with professionals.

Tip 5: It’s okay to not know what to do

Offering support is not always easy and that’s okay. Helping someone is rewarding but that doesn’t mean you should neglect how you’re feeling. It is important that you take care of yourself. Remember to take time to process anything that’s been said to you. Even counsellors need to take time for themselves to make sure that they see better able to help others. If you ever feel overwhelmed, you can offer support by connecting them to a professional or helping them find another strong support group.

Tip 6: Don’t make it about you

It’s a common practice to shift the attention to your experience, instead of keeping the focus on your friend. We all have similar experiences and stories, but it’s important to realize that your loved one is asking you to hold their pain with them, not silence it and make it about you. While you may be trying to connect with them, it’s better to let them know that you understand and are with them through this time.

Take home message

It can be difficult seeing your loved ones struggle so giving them a sense of support goes a long way. This experience can be new for both individuals- the one sharing and the one offering support. There might be moments where you may feel like you’re not doing enough, but just remember that something as small as listening goes a long way. Be kind to yourself and remember even as a friend and a helper, you are not alone. Ultimately, its okay to ask for help and you should never be afraid to redirect help to a professional psychologist or psychotherapist if you need further assistance.

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Self Care Has No Restrictions

Self Care Has No Restrictions

The new year is typically the time when most people tend to set goals for themselves in hopes of a positive change. However, this year, many of us have been feeling overwhelmed and drained from the circumstances that have been taking place around us. Unfortunately, the pandemic has completely changed what we once knew as our normal daily lives. Goals were easier to make and reach without the impositions of lock-down rules. Having to constantly readjust to restrictions being placed or lifted can be quite taxing. We may finally start a goal then have to halt it. As such, it is important that we incorporate self-care as part of our regular routines that can withstand the ups and down of lockdown restrictions. Doing so will ultimately help us keep up with the taxing effects of the constant changes.

It is quite easy to make excuses and neglect ourselves. There are moments when we need a break, but we don’t allow ourselves to take that time off. One reason can be due to restrictions in place- we may struggle to find creative ways to give back to ourselves. Although it can be tough to work around the restrictions, there are many forms of self-care that can be woven into one’s daily life. 

It is important that we create boundaries so that we are able to take care of ourselves to prevent burnout out. The art of self-care truly is unique to the individual. Although there are a few things that aren’t possible given these restrictions, such as going to the gym or visiting a museum, there are plenty of other activities that are possible. 

One of the most underrated forms of self-care is walking. Taking a nice stroll around your neighbourhood or even through a park is a great way to get some low-impact exercise into your daily routine. Several research articles have shown that the benefits of walking include reducing one’s symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression. Think of a walk as nature’s way of nurturing you. 

Another way to take part in self-care could be as simple as enjoying your favourite meal. Although restaurants are closed for dine-in or at limited capacity, that does not mean that you cannot enjoy a meal. Take a look at your favourite restaurants and plan a take-out to enjoy with your family or by yourself while you watch a movie.  Another option is to find a video and take on the role of chef.

Movie theatres may be closed but that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy a movie night with your loved ones! Take advantage of platforms such as NetflixParty which allows you and your friends to watch movies at the same time while in a video call. Other options could be using a platform that allows for screen sharing such as Zoom. 

For some of us who feel recharged by staying in, you could unwind by reading a book or having a spa night. Take the time to finally read that book you’ve been eyeing but have felt that you were too busy to read. Reading is a really nice way to unplug and take a small break away from the world. To elevate the experience, you can put on a nice face mask to help you unwind even more. 

Taking care of yourself does not have to be complicated! Many self-care activities can be done from the comfort of your home. Doing small activities, you love and making sure you are attentive to your needs is crucial, especially during uncertain times like the present.  It can be easy to spread yourself out too thin and it’s always harder to give yourself time to regroup. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Take the time out of your day to truly pamper yourself. It could be 15 minutes or even an hour; make sure that it’s fully dedicated to you and your needs. 

Going forward, make it a goal to prioritize yourself and your needs. Block off some time for you to be able to take a break from your other commitments. There are plenty self-care activities that can be done from the comfort of your home if going out seems to not be a viable option. This doesn’t necessarily need to be something extravagant; it can be as simple as going out for a walk or reading a book before bed. Show up for yourself by doing an activity you love! If you want to know more tips on how to take care of yourself, check out our blog called “Self Compassion, the new Me” today!

Embrace the liberating concept that self-care knows no boundaries with Cedarway Therapy’s innovative services. We believe in tailoring self-care strategies to suit your unique needs, ensuring that you prioritize your well-being without limitations. If you’re looking for a Psychologist Hamilton, just give us a call! Experience the true freedom of self-care with Cedarway Therapy.

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The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse

A relationship is bound to have conflicts, and conflict can be a normal and healthy part of a relationship if handled properly. The problem arises when we mishandle conflict which can lead to communication issues. John Gottman, an internationally recognized relationship expert and best-selling author, advice to identify The Four Horsemen (communication styles in relationships that according to his research can forecast the end of a relationship). The goal is to replace these negative communication styles with healthy, productive communication patterns.

Let’s take a closer look at each of these and how you can combat them.

Criticism

Criticism refers to verbally attacking your partner’s personality or characters. In doing so, you are suggesting to your partner that there is something wrong with them. When criticizing, you may often use the phrase “You always” or “You never”. For example, “You’re so lazy, you never put your shoes away” or “You always leave the dishes in the sink”. As a result, your partner may feel under attack and respond defensively. It’s perfectly okay to express your feelings to your partner, it is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. What matters is how you do it.

The next time you are frustrated and need to express your feelings to your partner, try making a direct complaint that is not an all-encompassing attack on your partner’s character. For example, instead of saying “Your socks are always on the floor, you never pick them up” you can try “Your socks are on the floor. Please try to put them in the laundry basket.” This addresses the specific behaviour rather than criticizing the person. Another antidote recommended is using “I” statements. This focuses the conversation on your feelings rather than attacking your partner’s character. For example, If you want more help around the house, you can try telling your partner “I feel unappreciated when you don’t help out with the housework” instead of “You never help, you just expect me to clean up after you.” We recommend softening your approach and beginning tactfully. Make sure you are clear and avoid passing judgement while communicating your feelings and concerns.

Contempt

The act of contempt implies putting yourself on a higher level than your partner in an effort to disrespect or psychologically abuse them by attacking their sense of self. This can be achieved by mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes, and using hostile humour and sarcasm. You may implement contempt by saying “You’re so annoying, are you going to cry now?”. Contempt is the most serious of all the horsemen. The negative method of communication can destroy the affection and admiration between partners.

Couples must work hard to establish a culture of appreciation in their relationship to fight contempt. This can be achieved by highlighting all of the qualities that you love and admire most about your partner. Make a list of these qualities in your phone, journal, or any place you can refer to when you need a reminder.

Defensiveness

When you use a counter complaint to defend yourself from an apparent attack, you are being defensive. It is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence or victimize yourself to avoid blame. In this situation, you might make excuses, complain, and use “yes’butting”. Defensiveness prevents partners from taking responsibility for their actions and escalates negative communication. If your partner is criticizing you, it is still not a good idea to be defensive because it will only exacerbate the situation.

Instead of reacting in a defensive manner, we recommend couples take the time to hear each other out and take responsibility for their negative behaviour. Also, a sincere apology is never a bad idea.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling takes place when you choose to tune out or withdraw from your partner rather than confront the issues. By remaining silent, giving monosyllabic answers or changing the subject, you can achieve this. A partner who stonewalls may physically walk away from the conversation or stop tracing it, appearing to stop caring and shutting down.

However, this is usually not the case. Usually, the individual is overwhelmed and attempting to calm themselves or the situation. However, your partner is very likely to assume that you don’t care enough about the problem to speak about it, and will find it very upsetting to be ignored. When you feel emotionally overwhelmed and need a break from the conflict discussion, let your partner know you need time to collect your thoughts and calm down so you can return to the discussion when you are both ready. This way, they will know you are not ignoring or rejecting them, but taking care of yourself.

With hard work, comes change!

 Do not feel guilty or ashamed if, while reading this, you realize that you have taken part in these negative communication styles. We have all been there before; you are not alone. The key is to learn from our mistakes and improve as we move forward. With this knowledge of the Four Horsemen and their antidotes, you now have the essential tools to manage conflict in a healthy manner. While it is not easy to break these patterns overnight, it is possible when both partners are motivated and committed to change. When couples put in the work, they get the results!

 We encourage you to consider couples therapy if you experience difficulty making these changes in your relationship. A therapist specializing in relationship conflicts may help with self-awareness and better communication. If you want to know more about how to communicate effectively in a relationship, just check out our blog page now!

Your relationship is more likely to be stable and happy if you are able to keep the Four Horsemen at bay.

Transform your relationship dynamics by exploring the fascinating world of communication styles with Cedarway Therapy. We offer couples counselling Oakville services and our experts will help you decode the nuances of effective communication, fostering deeper connections and understanding in your relationship. Take the first step toward a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership – embark on this journey of discovery with Cedarway Therapy today!

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Dealing with Procrastination

Do you ever put off doing something until the last minute and then find yourself in a state of panic because things pile up? Or maybe you start to become critical because you dropped the ball yet again? You’re not the only one who feels this way. You may be one of many people who struggle with Procrastination. You procrastinate when you delay or put off completing a task until the last minute, or past your deadline. It is very common and can affect all aspects of your life, including your work, school, and relationships. All which can result in a poor quality of life.

One common misconception about procrastinators is that they are unable to manage their time effectively. While this can be true, it’s not always the case and in fact, there are often more serious issues at hand. Individuals prone to chronic procrastination may benefit more from emotional regulation and stress management than time management skills training. That’s why before you pull out the self-criticism and self-doubt, it’s important to understand the why behind your procrastination. Doing so will help you understand yourself better, develop a plan to tackle the issue, create healthier habits and or seek professional support if you need to.

Why do we procrastinate?

From time to time, we all procrastinate. In a high-stress society, temporarily distracting oneself from stress and unpleasant tasks could even be a helpful coping mechanism. In other words, people engage in procrastination because it temporarily makes them feel good.

However, there is a downside that makes procrastination troublesome, it limits a person’s productivity and causes them to feel low about themselves. Some people procrastinate so much that they are unable to complete essential daily tasks. All of which can lead to poor life choices and eventually poor mental health outcomes.

Procrastination is not a mental health diagnosis in and of itself, although it can be a symptom of ADHD, depression, or anxiety. It can also add more stress to someone who already struggles with a mental health issue.

Other causes of procrastination included

  • Task is not aligned with our values
  • Feeling emotionally exhausted
  • Perfectionism
  • Fear of not performing well
  • Experiencing decision fatigue (brain becomes fatigued and ability to make decisions becomes worse after making many decisions)
  • The pressure to perform
  • Setting unrealistic expectations
How to overcome procrastination?

 Is there hope? Yes, there are many things one can do to tackle procrastination and here are a few tips that you can start to implement by yourself of with the support of someone:

  • Address what is causing the procrastination

  • Ask someone to help you stay on track with important tasks. Regular check-in on the progress of tasks will help you stay motivated.

  • Start with a small and easy step.

  • Eliminate any distractions

  • Reward yourself after completing small steps within the task

  • Rephrase your internal dialogue

The five takeaways about procrastination are:
  • Laziness is not the cause of procrastination.
  • It is the result of our inability to manage negative feelings about the task.
  • It is not a time-management issue but rather an emotional issue.
  • It can be a result of low self-esteem, self-doubt, or anxiety.
  • Forgive yourself for past procrastination and be gentler with the language and thoughts you use about yourself when it comes to completing the task.

Take home message: If you are one of many people who procrastinate before you criticize yourself and submit to a lifelong journey of blame and shame, try taking a more proactive approach. Use the above-mentioned tips to understand your why’s and create a plan of action, and or speak to someone that can help you. 

At Cedarway Therapy we specialize in providing psychologist oakville based services as well as psychotherapy services in Mississauga and all across the GTA. If you are interested in working with us or need to speak to a professional, feel free to contact us today!

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