“You learn something valuable from all of the significant events and people, but you never touch your true potential until you challenge yourself to go beyond imposed limitations.”

Roy T. Bennett

Reflecting on years of work in the mental health field and on my own life so far, I realize many of us carry certain beliefs that only serve to keep us from doing the things we value, and living a life of meaning. After years of contemplation, learning and, most importantly, introspecting, I have come to a place that allows me to see clearly, the toxic remnants of holding onto unhelpful beliefs. The beliefs around perfection, pleasing people, waiting for the right time, and that asking questions is a bad thing;  all contribute to feeling stuck, lonely and overwhelmed.

Over the years, several people that have walked through my door seeking support have also realized the power of such beliefs in fostering negativity. Many beautiful, hardworking, deserving people continue to wait for the right number on the scale, for the perfect moment to try something new, for someone to rescue them.  They sit around assuming they know what others are thinking, concocting conclusions based on assumptions, too afraid to ask for help in fear of rejection. As a result, many falsely judge themselves as, lesser than the other, not good enough, failed, not smart enough, worth enough, not successful enough, alone, unlikeable and this list is endless. If unchecked, these beliefs create rigid thinking patterns that are based on false evidence and ultimately keep us from living a life according to our values.  Unrealistic beliefs can make us miss out on a fulfilling life in the present.

While I work to impact my clients positively, I also learn a lot from my clients, which contribute to my wellbeing. There are a few concepts that I have embraced in life, which help paint a different picture for me. I’m now more than ever able to live with gratitude, enjoy my own company, be content and aim for things out of love for me, instead of fear of me.

Below, I will share some of these concepts. But first, notice each phrase starts with “I try my best to….”. We need to remember we are human, and all we can do is try our best under our unique circumstances and with our current resources. This realistic type of thinking allows room for error. Be patient with and kind with yourself as these unhelpful beliefs are a product of our early experiences, cultural upbringings and environmental influences that have become ingrained over many years of practice.  Therefore, to create a more realistic and gentler way of thinking, time, and forgiveness need to be your friend.

1. I try my best to stop waiting for the perfect time

I will go out when so and so joins me; I will exercise when I have help, I will read this book when I go to the park, I will …., all phrases never ended with follow up action items. Ultimately, leaving me with nothing but regret and the unhappy feeling of being stuck. Many years ago, I read the work of Eckhart Tolle, the power of NOW! I learned to be present in my now and do things that fit into my present time and not wait for the right time to do something later. The magic question I often ask myself is, “what can I do now?” Now, I enjoy my walks while the kids run around with me, exercise with them in the background, buy myself something on the spot, call up a friend as soon as I think of her, read the book in bed. The key is to harvest in the pockets of time available.

“Remember, there is no perfect time for anything. There is only now”.

Jack Canfield

2. I try my best to not criticize myself

Many of us are brought up in a culture where being harsh on oneself or others was thought to motivate one towards improvement. However, when I help clients look back, there is a realization that each time they were told that their efforts were not good enough and that they should try harder, their child brain interpreted that as “I am not good enough and I cannot handle the task at hand.”  We now know that criticism does not motivate one to try harder, if anything, it works to break down self-worth. Since a lot of my work is with survivors of trauma who consequently suffered from low self-worth, self-blame and hopelessness, I use a lot of Kristen Kneff’s (the founder of the self-compassion movement) concepts in my work. Incorporating self-compassion and acceptance into my care not only transformed their lives but had positive impacts on mine too.

When I have doubts about my struggles instead of being harsh to myself, I start to practice self-compassion. I treat me as I would a friend. Comforting myself for feeling low, stressed, ashamed, guilty, overwhelmed. This practice gradually moves me from being angry with myself to be supportive of myself. I often comfort myself for feeling confused, ashamed, stressed, and helpless, providing myself with the emotional support I desperately need. Of course, there are many times I am not able to be calm and collective, but if I lose it, I can bounce back and focus on getting back to doing the things I love.

“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks, what’s good for you?”

Kristen Kneff

3. I try my best to stop assuming

I try my best not to assume, I simply ask. I learned this skill during my training in graduate school, whereby my supervisor often challenged whether my thoughts were based on facts or assumptions. Since assumptions are our brain’s way of connecting the dots based on incomplete information, they can cause harm. Many of us hold on to maladaptive thoughts and or hurtful emotions from assuming thing such as “he/she does not want to help me because they do not care about me, or that someone does not want to spend time with us because they do not like us, things happen because we are not important”…the list is endless.

Assumptions cause unnecessary hurt, foster a negative mindset ultimately keeping us from meaningful relationships and reaching for things we value.

“Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life”.

Don Miguel Ruiz

Ask yourself

What unhelpful beliefs keep me stuck?

What do I automatically assume about others and myself?

What can I do right now to create a change? Who can I turn to?

How do I speak to myself?

Embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery with Cedarway Therapy’s empowering services. Witness the incredible story of “3 Beliefs I Kicked to the Curb: My Journey to Growth, Acceptance & Compassion” come to life within you. Embrace personal growth, find acceptance, and ignite your inner compassion – start your inspiring journey today with Cedarway Therapy! Contact us now to help you with your anxiety, trauma, depression, and grief issues.

“An amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and start doing what you love, what makes you happy. You stop wishing for the weekend. You stop merely looking forward to special events. You begin to live in each moment and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy. You move fluidly, steadily, calm and grateful. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born.”

Anonymous

I’m sure you’ve heard the statement “we are a recollection of our experiences”. I never really understood what that meant, in fact, I believed it meant, the more I do the more meaning my life will have. For years it’s exactly what I did; worked, cooked, cleaned, studied, took care of the children and family, joined programs, bought stuff to beautify my life and eagerly waited for the next social gathering.  However, at the end of full days, weeks and months, paradoxically, many times I found myself feeling empty, stagnant and stuck. Don’t get me wrong, I temporarily enjoyed everything I was doing, but why was I still not happy, what was I doing wrong?

The answer does not lie in the what, but it does in the how!

Not long ago I stumbled on readings about setting intentions. Intrigued by this concept, as it’s also purported in my religion, I started to apply it to many things in life. To my surprise, as I set intentions, I was also observing the little things in life which once went unnoticed; the smiles on my children’s faces, the sunshine, the stars, the food on my table, the roof over my head. Sounds fluffy, I know! At first, I thought so too. But very slowly, I started to enjoy the feelings that resulted from simply noticing; joy, gratitude, appreciation, happiness. And of course I would, as intentions come from the heart. They are based on the things you value. When I set an intention in the day it services as a guidance of how I want to show up in my world. So while I do similar things in my day, now I do them with intention.

Learning to set intentions helped me remind myself of who I am, what is important to me, who I want to be, where I want to go, and what moments I need to cultivate in order to feel growth and change.  It helped me realize that life is not always about chasing something that’s not there, it’s also about finding meaning in the things that are. Setting intentions for my day, my relationships, my work, my self helped me stay present. And every time I steered off into feeling empty, tired and or worthless, this was an indication that I have steered away from my intentions; the things that I value.

If I were to sum it up, what I feel towards intentions is that living without intentions is like navigating a ship without a compass. Yes, you’ll get somewhere, but you may not notice the beauty in the journey. And if you’re anything like me than meaning matters!

For me, Life with intentions looks like

Noticing the simple things

Finding value and meaning in things around me

Being kind to myself

Bringing in love, compassion, mercy and other concepts I value

Noticing joy, feeling joy

Being present in my day

Showing gratitude

Moving towards living according to my values

Finding my strengths and areas I want to grow in

Choosing how I want to be present in my day

So maybe there are certain things in life that are incumbent, but that does not require life to be mundane and meaningless.  Let’s learn to be more mindful and set intentions for little things that can help us feel more fulfilled and purposeful.

Step 1: Clarity

Make a list of what you value. This can include things, people, places, events, that you care about. For example, family, nature, knowledge, giving, connecting, helping, loving, physical activity, friendships,

Take a moment to reflect on how much of your day or week include the items from that list. Then choose one or many that you want to cultivate into your life.

Step 2: Start simple

Start with setting simple daily intentions that include things from your value list. For example, today I will notice the sounds of birds as I walk, today I will call up a friend, today I will go out for a 15-minute walk, today I will give charity, today I will simply notice the laughter of my children, today as I work I will notice the people around me.

The aim is to make small, simple intentions, but daily. In this way, you are training your mind to be present, choosing how you want to be,  as well as living according to your values. A tip is to ensure you create space for a specific time in your day to set the daily intentions. After which you can set reminders in the form of post-its, phone alarms, emails or texts to self.  Once your brain has become used to this pattern, you won’t need to set reminders.

Step 3: Celebrate wins

When you notice yourself living out the intention, pat yourself for it. This is what makes intentions special, we start to notice life. We start to give ourselves credit for things that little things we do. We slowly move away from autopilot to mindful, intentional living.

This is where the change occurs, when the smallest gains start to feel like huge accomplishments, and the once unimportant things in life are now honoured and appreciated.

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is”

Anonymous

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“and I said to my body, softly. ‘I want to be your friend.’ It took a long breath and replied, ‘I’ve been waiting my whole life for this’…”

Nayyirah Waheed

I often work with people who present with symptoms of burnout. And while many of us associate fatigue, stress, irritability and loss of meaning with caregivers (rightfully so) we often fail to realize that nobody is immune to mental health issues. I frequently hear from individuals who once acted out their various roles in life with eloquence, joy and pride, but to inexplicably begin to feel hopeless and unmotivated. The problem many times lies in the relentless push towards taking care of others at the cost of our wellbeing. Let’s face it, the double shift has now quadrupled, and all these multiple roles demand constant energy.

I suggest that you pause and ask yourself a simple yet profound question, one I ask my clients all the time, “can you pour out of an empty cup?” The obvious answer is no; however, applied to our lives, there is a false expectation of giving without running out.  Love, energy, compassion, gratitude, kindness, empathy, are concepts that humans can give and receive limitlessly. But there is a secret, to give to others, you first need to fill yourself up.

So, as I embark on this journey of filling my cup, I invite you to join me in some self-exploration. In this post, I will outline ways I identify loss of self-care and self-appreciation and the little changes I swiftly implement. The key is consistent self-reflection, whereby, I pose the questions below to myself.  Who is better able to tell me what I’m are feeling and what I need than myself?

Questions I ask myself:

1. Am I feeling tired?
2. Am I having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?
3. Has my appetite gone up or down?
4. Do I feel irritated?
5. Does my work feel more like a burden lately?
6. Am I procrastinating?
7. Do I feel like I am not making a difference?
8. Do I quickly get bored lately?
9. Is my body feeling achy?
10. Am I avoiding people or places?

I do not have to answer affirmatively to all the questions to pause and reflect on a solution. The goal is to exercise these questions regularly so that I am addressing the yeses as they arise.

Eight easy ways I fill my cup

1. Practice mindfulness: Two-minute mindful breaks every couple of hours are my go-to strategy. I also ensure to engage in a daily activity using mindfulness and grounding. Examples include washing the dishes, taking a walk, eating or drinking. Simple being present doing one thing only using my five senses.
2. Boundary setting: Prioritize my plate. I use a tool named the Eisenhower Matrix, also known as Urgent-Important Matrix, which helps to make decisions on tasks based on urgency and importance and sort out less urgent and essential tasks.
3. Ask for support: I am used to carrying my load on my shoulders. I, therefore, find this aspect difficult; however, I now consider it an essential part of life. I have created a list of people I can lean on. I made sure my children and spouse know what they are responsible for. And if no one is around, there is still support one can turn to.
4. Practice self-compassion:  Over the years of being a caregiver, I have learned that I have to allow myself to meet my own needs. As for years, I’ve been ingrained to do for and not to receive. Statements such as “I’m here for you, I know you’re stressed, it’s okay you’re trying your best” have become routine. I remind myself of the small treats; treat myself to a nice lunch or hot drink, hang out with a friend or buy my self flowers. The key is to learn to respond to yourself in a manner that you would respond to a friend who is struggling.
5. Spend time in nature: I am a nature lover, an introvert that gets fueled in silence. Being present in nature is indeed, healing. We are forced to use our senses as we get bombarded with the colors of flowers and leaves, the smell of the earth, the sound of birds chirping all bring to life our senses and allows us to feel whole. I ensure brief five-minute walks in the neighbourhood, a drive by the water, staring into the night sky.
6. Spiritual connection: Connecting to God is an integral part of filling my cup. I do this through prayer, reflections, supplications and remembrance. The key here is to create a small space at home that is free of distractions and dedicated only towards spiritual growth.
7. Unplug from social media and technology: Unplugging does not equal to cutting off from social connections. Quite the opposite, the goal is to detox from constantly checking my devices; laptops, phones, computer for randomness. I instead carve out a set time in the day to connect with meaningful people. After which, I set up a devices free zone in my home, put it on airplane mode or silence groups that are overactive.
8. Laughing: I get a kick out of jokes, comedies and comics. Laughter helps me unwind, feel relaxed and happy. This is no surprise as literature shows laughter has both psychological and physiological benefits, including increasing endorphin release from the brain, known to improve mood.

What are some ways you can fill your cup?

Make a list.

“Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the most wonderful things that will ever happen to us”

Nicole Reed

The last couple of weeks were obscured by talks of uncertainty, which resulted in thoughts such as “what’s going to happen?” “How will we get through this?” These were subsequently followed by feelings of fear and anxiety, fluctuating throughout the day. As a result, I recall my heart felt heavy at times, my body not motivated to move, as if paralysis took over me. After a week or so I didn’t know what to think, feel, or do; I simply went through the motions and got my day to day done.  However, as we approach the fourth week of social distancing in the COVID-19 Pandemic which has come with immense changes in the way I work, my home and school life, the way I carry out my relationships and connectedness; I am starting to realizing a subtle sense of still starting to emanate within me.

How does this chaos in our minds dissipate? How does the body not automatically turn into a frenzy at news reports, fear fueling statistics, and those funny memes embedded with subtle messages?  How do I carry myself through the day with motivation and purpose? I learned the answers to these questions years ago as I worked with individuals escaping violence. Anyone who has been through a traumatic or painful experience can tell you that eventually, after chaos comes a calm. And after this calm, begins a period of growth, a time where we rise from our learnings and move forward stronger, with more value, meaning and purpose.

If you’re reading this and you still feel uncertain, fearful and apprehensive about your present new normal, It’s okay! Recovery and its subsequent follower growth happen at different rates for different people. The key is to allow the process to happen naturally, don’t judge it, don’t time it, don’t push it.

Research now shows that not only do we bounce back from adversity due to something called resilience, but we can also create better, more positive and meaningful lives aftermath. An expert in the field of post-traumatic growth Dr. Tedeschi identifies five main areas where we can experience growth as an outcome of our adversities: an appreciation of life, relationship with others, new possibilities in life, personal strength, spirituality.  What better time than now to exercise these and learn ways to increase our resilience so that we can grow out of this experience in a better direction.

I will provide you with ideas that you can implement in your lives, pick all, pick one the key is doing it intentionally and consistently.

1. Appreciation of life

In addition to showing gratitude for the little things in life, it’s essential that you start noticing the little things you let pass you by in the past. There are many things, events, people, places that we didn’t pay much attention to. For instance, do you notice the beauty in the sky, the colors of the sunset, your child’s smile or appreciate the food on your table?

Look at the different creation and forms of life, those apart from humanity. If you pay attention, you’ll hear the birds chirping, the squirrels dancing back and forth, the bugs building homes and carrying food. You’ll see the sun rising and setting exploding with breathtaking colors.

Focus on little things, gratitude, presence, intentions and hope.

2. Relationship with others

The key is to connect with those that give you hope. Search out those that make you smile, that appreciate you, that make you feel warm when you speak to them. Take your connections to a deeper, more meaningful level. Put down your phone when you’re having dinner with your family, really listen to the laughter of a child, call up a loved one just to ask how they are instead of pouring your day on them, wave to a neighbour.

Ask yourself How am I fueling hope in people’s lives?

Focus on intention, being present and authenticity.

3. New possibilities in life

If there is one thing COVID-19 has brought about in many people’s lives, including my own, is the opportunity to evaluate my priorities. Ask yourselves what now seems important that was on the back burner in the past. Who now seems important? What promised activities have you not embarked on due to a “lack of time”.

During this time, what opportunities are you drawn towards? How can you apply yourself? What can you do to honor yourself? Is there a book you wanted to embark on, a course you were interested in (online of course), is there someone you wanted to connect with? Have you always had fitness goals?

Before COVID-19 I was one to shy away from social media. And to be honest, while I haven’t yet embraced it with open arms (And I don’t know that I ever will) I am slowly learning to connect to people, put myself out there to help others. It is no doubt a vulnerable feeling, but one I know will bring positive outcomes.

Ask yourself, what are your values? What brings you meaning?

4. Personal strength

What about you gets you through your days at home presently? What strengths have brought you this far in life? Think back to a past hardship, how did you get through it? Find these strengths and bring them to life in your day to day so that you can continue to enhance your experience.

Are you creative, kind, curious, brave, have a love of learning, spiritual? The list of character strengths is vast. I urge you to take some time and find out your strengths. Then make a plan to carry out these goals. Draw, paint, color, create, pray, connect, read…

5. Spiritual change

Wherever you are on the spectrum of spiritual connection, search for ways to increase your sense of purpose and meaning. Ask yourself, how do I live out that meaning on a day to day basis? How do I connect to this purpose? What can I do to increase this connection?

I’ve carved out times in my day when I connect to my spirituality. Apart from mandatory connections, I have started to look at the signs in nature as reminders of a higher being. Something is taking care of this Universe and beyond. This connection gives me a sense of peace, serenity, elevation and control as I know in my heart that I cared for.

Take home message!

I invite you to contemplate these five points of growth and make a plan for yourself. Remember, with every hardship there is ease, with every storm comes a calm. The question I pose to you is, how do you want to come out of this Pandemic?

Experience real, transformative growth with Cedarway Therapy’s specialized services. We provide professional help to individuals who have various issues like depression, anxiety, trauma, and many more. Discover your untapped potential, overcome obstacles, and embrace a brighter future. Say yes to authentic personal development – because Cedarway Therapy is within your reach!

Nowadays the term self-care is thrown around all the time, making most of us feel guilty of not being able to pursue something that others find so easy. This very term “self-care” perplexed me for a while as I wondered why it is so easy for some people to carve out time for themselves and yet others like me to truggle with the very thought. For a very long time, I could not seem to enjoy“me time” without it being wrapped in guilt. Over the years, as I worked with survivors of trauma I journeyed into concepts such as mindfulness, self-compassion and kindness. Concepts that not only transformed my clinical work but also changed my life into one that is more meaningful and valued. Today I’m going to share with you my thoughts on self-compassion; both from a professional and personal perspective. Whether you struggle with depression, anxiety, trauma, stress or self-worth or are someone just looking for something new to add in your life, incorporating a self-compassion practice will only benefit you.

To understand Self Compassion, I would highly recommend looking into the work of Kristen Kneff, a psychology professor who coined the movement. In her words “self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kind of kindness, care, compassion, as you would treat those you care about—your good friends, your loved ones”. Her work is not only supported by therapists such as me but also by research which shows similar effectivity of self-compassion interventions in the regulation of health behaviours to other popular behaviour change techniques.

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

Louise L. Hay

In practice, some clients easily embrace therapy sessions, do their homework, apply strategies and reach their goals, while others continue to struggle despite the relentless effort. Of course, there are many factors that dictate the therapy outcome and one I feel is at the core is self-compassion.   My experience has taught me that the more self-compassionate one is, the better they connect to themselves and in consequence want the best for themselves. If you want to read more about what is therapy, check out our blog page now!

Now please don’t confuse self-esteem with self-compassion. The former is important but it’s not akin to the latter. Self-compassion requires you to become self-aware, to acknowledge your suffering, instead of pushing it or avoiding it. You will need to practice statements such as: what do I need right now, what am I feeling right now, I am not alone, I am trying my best, it’s okay I am enough. This may sound a little fluffy to many, and it did to me when I first ventured into this journey. But I invite you to think about how you respond to those you care for. For you to fully support them, to hold them through difficulty, to make sure they don’t give up you have to be able to connect to them in a meaningful way. The more you care the more you end up doing.  Why do we not apply the same principles to our selves? How do you expect to feel better, stronger, worth, valued, if you don’t tend to your own emotions and needs? The reality is that the more you connect to yourself, the better equipped you are to respond to yourself and take care of your needs.

Why does self-compassion help? The easy answer is the more you fill your cup (attend to your needs) the more you’re able to attend to the needs of others. After all, isn’t that why most of us want to function optimally. To be a better mom, wife, daughter, friend, neighbour, worker…..

The other answer which many find harder to accept is so that you can increase your sense of self-worth, enjoy yourself, be proud of yourself, accept yourself, give yourself a break, and realize that you are trying your best.

How has Self Compassion changed me!

• I am more aware of my needs
• I know when I need to pause and take a break
• I know when I have had enough and set boundaries
• I am able to do things with more meaning
• I value time, people, places
• I am more grateful for the little things about myself
• I am realizing “I am enough”
• I am happier with me

A Take Home Message!

Acknowledge your emotions, tend to your needs. The more you validate yourself the better able you are to be empathetic to others. You are worthy. Forgive yourself. Be grateful to yourself for trying. Accept yourself you are trying; you are not perfect no one is.

Unlock the power of self-compassion and rediscover yourself with Cedarway Therapy’s innovative services! We help our clients by providing them solution focused therapy, emotion focused therapy, help them with depression, anxiety, and many more. Embrace a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, as we guide you towards a more compassionate and fulfilling version of “Me.” Don’t miss out on this opportunity to nurture your well-being – take the first step towards a brighter, more compassionate future with Cedarway Therapy today!

“There is nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so don’t expect yourself to do so either.” 

Unknown

It took me many years to realize simple rules 1. If you’re sleepy, sleep 2. If you’re feeling tired, then rest 3. If you’re feeling sad then talk to someone 4. If you’re angry then take a break 5. If you’re hurting, then ask yourself what do need right now!

I always made excuses, but I’m a mom, I’m a wife, I’m studying, working, volunteering, cooking, cleaning the list keeps going. I understand for many like myself we can’t simply drop things and stop the many roles we occupy. However, one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned, well second to boundary setting, is that self care doesn’t have to come only when we vacation.

Those with the best self care routines have mastered the art of using their time effectively. I like to think of self care in terms of small pockets of time for myself every single day.

I’ve made a list of things that give me a sense of pleasure.

• Cup of warm coffee
• Reading a book
• Talking a walk
• Eating a small treat
• Mindfulness
• Alone time
• Coloring or painting

So I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t have 4 hours a day to chill out or to self care. But I can take each one of those items mentioned above an ensure I schedule them in my day.

So make your list of small meaningful things you love or add meaning to your life and start to schedule the in one by one.  I didn’t really understand the quote “it’s the littlest things that matter the most”, until I started to practice it on myself.

And sometimes, I just need to find a way to do more for my own well-being, whether that means cancelling a commitment or asking someone for help.

Discover the ultimate self-care experience with Cedarway Therapy’s “Self Care To GO” services! Take a step towards a happier, healthier you. We offer solution focused therapy, emotion focused therapy, CBT, couples counseling, and many more. Don’t wait any longer; prioritize your well-being today and embark on a transformative journey with Cedarway Therapy.